Don't Fuck with the Gods

I don't know what got into me today, but I've been on the History channel for at least 4 hours. And it wasn't like there was a variety of shows, it was a marathon on the show called "Clash of the Gods." .............................

This is basically a show about Greek mythology, one episode is dedicated to one character in the myths. So far, I've seen Hercules, Hades, Zeus, and the Minotaur. And I have a few points from what I have learned about Greek Mythology.

• If you are in a field alone plucking on flowers, BAD SHIT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU.
• IF you are way too happy, you might potentially DIE. So lets just say you're with your boy/girlfriend and you are totally in love and you are so so happy together. Tomorrow one of you will die. Pure happiness is only for the gods.
• If you try to outsmart a god, you will be beyond fucked and can't be helped to a lifetime of misery.

Seriously some of these stories are so fucked up: Incest, cannibalism, bestiality, rape and all the other disturbing topics you can think about.

I realized that Disney's Hercules is a super failure version of the real thing. Somebody needs to make an epic movie about these characters. Make the R rated Hercules story in which he kills his own wife and kids before he has to do the 12 labors. I can see that this has Oscar potential written everywhere on it. Hercules: The Brooding Hero.

I appoint Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as the new Hercules. Thank you movie gods for listening to my wishes, as a sacrifice I have dedicated this post to you. Or if that's not enough, then I have some pet spiders that I will smite for thee. You are welcome.

Life is a Cosmic Symphony

Life is a... tunnel with black light at the end. POETRY!

No, Life is... LIFE! This song should be my new anthem.

Brainkill of the Day

I can't sleep (its 5 am) and I stumbled upon this gem.

The caption for this video: "Apparently, cross dressing is also one of caffeine's side effect."

I don't drink coffee anymore, but maybe for this coffee I'll make an exception. What am I talking about, I don't need coffee to be a reason to go drag, I can do drag perfectly fine by myself. Did you know I was once mistaken as a Asian gay boy by a drag queen? (True story). I KNOW I have potential! This would be my backup career choice #47.

Poodle Torture?

I just saw this photograph of a poodle and it made me laugh pretty hard. Yes, POODLE. I know I usually don't do animal-related posts, but I feel like this one deserves to be seen by my "single-digit" viewers because they're BEYOOTIFUL work of arts.

So the story is that each year there's a competition for "top dog at CREATIVE grooming" shows. I mean how can you not love it? The owners basically have only 2 hours to "transform" these poodles into things like this:

or this...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I shouldn't laugh, probably because these poodles are probably confused about their identity. What am I really? Can I really be a snail? Maybe a fairy? Or (best of them all) a PEACOCK?

HOTNESS! This bitch should've won the crown for Top Dog! Instead it got stolen by this guy

Its Jack Sparrow btw. I just need to caption it for those who have lived under a rock for the last 4 years and never once saw any of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Maybe its the dreadlocks that woo the judges over... RANDOM: I was at Central Park a couple of days ago and I saw a dog that was fully dreadlocked. I mean from head to toe. Not kidding, the owner must have been high on the good stuff and probably thought that it was a brilliant idea to do a MAKEOVAH... NOT. It looked like a dirty mop instead.

Oh Lindsay...

As of RIGHT NOW, I am watching "I Know Who Killed Me My Dignity" AGAIN. Yes, this horrifying mess needs to be repeatedly watched at any given opportunity! I know Lindsay Lohan chose this movie not because of the "great script" of a bullshit she gave us as an excuse, its just so she could pole dance for 5 minutes of the movie. You don't need a reason to act like a whore Lindsay, you are already a better one in real life.

What's the story about you ask? Uh... Let me try to simplify this as much as I can. (SPOILER ALERT! But nobody should care!) Lindsay Lohan plays two characters: separated identical twin sisters Aubrey and Dakota. Aubrey got kidnapped by this serial killer, and while they searched for her, instead they found Dakota. Nobody in the world believes that Dakota is actually a "totally" different person, so they diagnosed her with Dissociative Identity Disorder (aka Multiple Personality Disorder).

Turns out that both sisters have that magical twin power, when one twin gets harmed, the other one will also get harmed. So in this case, Aubrey lost a leg, arm and fingers; so did Dakota. Dakota (the stripper one) FINALLY AT THE END OF THE MOVIE found out that she had a twin and they share this "supernatural" gift together. I know... at this part I was like, WHY DID I WATCH THIS? Then she managed to find her sister and kill her abductor, all while having only one leg and one hand. COME ON! I'm not saying that a disabled person is not capable of doing these things, but this is LINDSAY LOHAN we're talking about!

This movie won 8 (EIGHT!) Razzies! One of them "Worst Excuse for a Horror Movie" HA! If you don't believe me on how horrible this movie can be, I think you should go out and watch it for yourself. I don't even care if she's a trainwreck, I'll probably watch anything she's in. Next I'm about to inflict some pain to myself by watching "Labor Pains."

*Thanks woah!nerdy for enthusiastically watching it the first time with me.

Turkeys

I went out and bought a whole bunch DVDs, DVDs of what "normal" people would consider as horrible, terrible movies. Why? Because I think I have brain damage and I can only handle movies like these... Princess Protection Program? Check! Legally Blondes 3? Check! Komodo vs. Cobra (its not a documentary)? CHECK CHECK CHECK!

So in the next few posts, I will dedicate some of them to the movies I'll be watching these next few weeks. If any of you are screaming *INTERVENTION TIME* inside your heads, then you need to go buy any movie that is rated 2 and a half star and below (and WATCH IT!). If you need any recommendations, you may start with any movies Jessica Simpson is in, or "Enough" with J.Lo. Seriously, it will stimulate your brain till it's fried.

Anyhoo, I don't know how/where the term for "Turkeys" became synonymous with bad movies, but in no way am I trying to be racist at the Turkish nation or belittling the bird. Please don't take any offense Turkey-lovers. I personally think its a positive thing.

Let's me start this Turkey week with "Beverly Hills Chihuahua," to be honest it is actually not that bad. I was curious why this movie was #1 for 2 weeks in a row (only in the US of A), maybe Americans just really REALLY like animal movies in general. Seriously, if your expectations of a movie about "spoiled" talking dogs are extremely low, then the movie is surprisingly DECENT. It has romance, adventure, and comedy rolled into one! 3-for the price of-1!!! Or just see it for the dogs, some of them are cute (key word: some). I don't know how many of you are actually going to watch it, but let me tell you the ending: its a happy one.

I've Only Ever had Chicken Heart

We finally know what Maryann does. She scratches people with poison, controls them, kills them, and eats their FUCKING HEART! Seriously, every week True Blood comes up with ways to make me become a natural bulimic. Just when you think, oh look, its Jason! Nothing bad can come out when Jason's there, WRONG! Next scene is Maryann chopping Daphne's heart and flambe-ing it with vegetables. And bitch had the nerve to call it a "Hunter's Souffle," NO, just NO.

I once had a professor who thought that eating someone's heart was a sensual thing to do. We were reading a part of the Decameron, in which the story involved a bit of cannibalism. Then she asked the class "don't you thinks that's so... SEXY?" You should've seen my face when she said that, it was giving out a "go home and hump your husband" vibe.

Anyways, short recap:

• Bitch fight with Lorena and Sookie ENSUED. Lorena tried to touch Bill, and Sookie went all like "DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH MAH MAN!"
• I am swooning over Godric BIG TIME.
• Jessica had sex and discovered that she will forever be a virgin, because her wounds will heal all the time. So no matter how many times she does it, it will always feel like her first time. Now THAT'S a curse!
• Tara and Eggs ate the Hunter's Souffle and became (domestically) violent and horny. I don't know what's worst, watching them eat the souffle or watching them enjoy every bite of it.
• Luke was sent as a fucking suicide TIMEBOMB. Bye bye Luke.

Sorry not as many pics this week.

BITCH I'M PISSED

WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYTHING SO FUCKING SLOW HERE?

FAWLEIHGAOIEWNGLAWRNAoI5LRWHGOA;WRN7G6A8ORWNGOAIWRNG;OAIWRN0S GLIAWRNGAIL2WRGN3A4LRWSGLARSNGL4AI7WK8JRSBGL9IWRSHGNALWRJSBGL65I UW4AEHSFILASRHIALUWHESFOIL4S7RH8G9L0I0E-R-=H-RKGHCLURWHGMPCUWEHRMGUHCSME5PORYHPQ93O58WNY9QPV2FGO2U4HWTEL KUW RCGLKUSFLGKORW AGO;WRIJGO;AILRHSFGLKSH T9PQWOIRAHGOLAWRSOGIJAVWROSIGHIAWEUTP0NAOIW4HLTR,CJGARWILSHIUHG L7I4A2HSFILAWHDS092JGOAIWEGHOAHJ4WTO;IQJ24JPE9TOGHQ24PORYHQG2P4OE HTQRP92O8DNYT9QP82O4YP9TO8Q35P9ROT8U20[4OW8NYTVQ9POVHGISKEUHMTIC UEHSR9MOTMAH0P4WOITJAMOCWRHMGLICAE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, not that I have let out some part of my anger, I can finally explain. TRAFFIC in Jakarta, Indonesia SUCKS beyond belief. When you're stuck in traffic, YOU'RE FUCKING STUCK. Even an ant could go faster than your car at that point. Why do I even bother with going out anymore? Yes, I had to go somewhere, and at the end I was 30 minutes late, even though I left the house an HOUR EARLY! I AM MOTHERFUCKING PISSED! Do you know that its NOT AT ALL ENTERTAINING to be in a traffic jam??? HUH? DO YOU? DO YOUU??????

Please help me flee this country, oh pretty please you kind hearted readers.

Not only does real traffic sucks, INTERNET IS SO SLOW: That I have to wait 10 minutes to load a 4 minute Youtube video. If I can, I will give the Internet here a smash in the face! SOMEBODY, INSTALL FASTER CABLES! YOU CAN MAKE SHIT-TONS OF MONEY IF YOU DO!

WHATEVER, I'M OUT! THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF HOW CRAZY I'M BECOMING:

*Thanks Anon for the picture.